There are voices in my head I suffer from anxiety and depression but I am not delusional. My mind talks to me all day long instructing me to be afraid, doubtful, arrogant, ungrateful and sometimes down right mean. Fear contributes to the dialogue that goes on all day long whispering I am not good enough, my business won’t be successful or I will be bankrupt tomorrow.I drank at these voices for years every day they returned louder than before.
I have learned in the last two years is they will never go away you have to learn how to temper them, ignore them or better yet talk back. I have allowed my head to dictate who I am, what I do and who I associate with. The last two years have been a big learning experience. I don’t really remember my first year of sobriety its fuzzy and seems as if it was happening to someone else the voices raged the whole year so of course I lived in constant doubt and fear. I believe I am learning how to sshh those voices actually getting them to quiet down somewhat. A very dear friend who has played a large part in my sobriety has disappeared from my life I am not sure I could have coped last year with this loss. The voices were so loud that I tolerated her going through my cell phone, or better yet not reacting when she chose to intervene with my daughters therapy talking to the therapist and thus causing a erosion in the realtionship in-turn Remi never returned.
Preserving has enabled me to cohabitate with my head I am learning to give myself a break, and to truly enjoy life. Knitting is a huge part of my life I have learned to use it as a tool to realx and drown out the noise. I made this blanket for Bella she is traveling to Serbia and then Egypt, it is comforting knowing she has something with her that I made. I will not allow myself to be afraid for her, but feel elated she has this opportunity and realize how blessed I am to have her in my life.
Isabella made gingerbread cookies yesterday how much she reminds me of my Mother she is a master at baking, she is kind, compassionate and courageous. I love the jihad gingerbread woman with the burka on, only Isabella.
I could write for days the things that help me think clearly my animals, AA, and the people I have chosen to surrond my self with. My life is wonderful stressfree no, but the voices are evolving they no longer convince me of failure but of hope and conviction that I can do this and that I will prevail. My last tale of woe is my dog Baloo he is the chocolate newfoundland in my life I have posted about his disease that is progressing.
The wobblers disease is making it almost impossible for him to walk I had surgery done on his knee as the veterinarian suggested it would help, it has not. His recovery from the surgery is not going well and I am at a loss as what to do. I bought a harness and that helps tremendously to get him up but he can only walk a short distance without his legs giving out. We have researched a dog wheel chair or a magic walker they call it I am not sure if this is the answer. I know in my heart this will only get worse, someday he is not going to be able to walk at all. Baloo’s life consists of going outside and then laying in the house all day. I have a lot of blogging friends that are dog lovers and owners any advice will be appreciated. Those voices that I have talked about at length are at work again.
From our home to yours,