There are voices in my head I suffer from anxiety and depression but I am not delusional. My mind talks to me all day long instructing me to be afraid, doubtful, arrogant,  ungrateful and sometimes down right mean. Fear contributes to the dialogue that goes on all day long whispering I am not good enough,  my business won’t  be successful or I will be bankrupt tomorrow.I drank at these voices for years every day they returned louder than before.

I have learned in the last two years is  they will never go away you have to learn how to temper them, ignore them or better yet talk back. I have allowed my head to dictate who I am, what I do and who I associate with. The last two years have been a big learning experience. I don’t really remember my first year of sobriety its fuzzy and seems as if it was happening to someone else the voices raged the whole year so of course I lived in constant doubt and fear. I believe I am learning how to sshh those voices actually getting them to quiet down somewhat. A very dear friend who has played a large part in my sobriety has disappeared from my life I am not sure I could have coped last year with this loss. The  voices were so loud that I tolerated her going through my cell phone, or better yet not reacting when she chose to intervene with my daughters therapy talking to the therapist and thus causing a erosion in the realtionship in-turn Remi never returned. IMG_0412

Preserving has enabled me to cohabitate  with my head I am learning to give myself a break, and to truly enjoy life. Knitting is a huge part of my life I have learned to use it as a tool to realx and drown out the noise. I made this blanket for Bella she is traveling to Serbia and then Egypt, it is comforting knowing she has something with her that I made. I will not allow myself to be afraid for her, but feel elated she has this opportunity and realize how blessed I am to have her in my life.

IMG_0418Isabella made gingerbread cookies yesterday how much she reminds me of my Mother she is a master at baking, she is kind, compassionate and courageous. I love the jihad gingerbread woman with the burka on, only Isabella.

IMG_0415 I could write for days the things that help me think clearly my animals, AA, and the people I have chosen to surrond my self with. My life is wonderful stressfree no, but the voices are evolving they no longer convince me of failure but of hope and conviction that I can do this and that I will prevail. My last tale of woe is my dog Baloo he is the chocolate newfoundland in my life  I have posted about his disease that is progressing.Screen shot 2012-12-18 at 6.55.54 PM

The wobblers disease is making it almost impossible for him to walk I had surgery done on his knee as the veterinarian suggested it would help, it has not. His recovery from the surgery is not going well and I am at a loss as what to do. I bought a harness and that helps tremendously to get him up but he can only walk a short distance without his legs giving out. We have researched a dog wheel chair or a magic walker they call it I am not sure if this is the answer.   I know in my heart this will only get worse, someday he is not going to be able to walk at all. Baloo’s life consists of going outside and then laying in the house all day. I have a lot of blogging friends that are dog lovers and owners any advice will be appreciated. Those voices that I have talked about at length are at work again.

From our home to yours,

~Henrietta’s Hippo

This entry was published on 19/12/2012 at 2:01 am. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

13 thoughts on “Sshhhhhhh

  1. I always enjoy your honesty and your ability to embrace life with all its complexities…

  2. Poor Baloo – it is so very sad that our dogs do not last long enough. Give him a hug from me.

  3. I wish I had magic words for you, and for Baloo. I simply wish that you continue to heed those voices of hope and conviction. You can do this – and there are many of us here who care.

  4. They can’t have been easy years but you are pouring so much positive energy into your life and it shines through. Sorry, haven’t come across wobblers disease. Do hope you find something that will help Baloo.

  5. I wish I could say something useful about Baloo. I know nothing about the problem he has. It’s never easy when there is something wrong with a beloved pet.
    I hope you enjoy Christmas and New Year.

  6. All my best wishes for you and Baloo, I wish I could help.

  7. Thoughts & prayers are with you and Baloo.

  8. My heart goes out to you, and to Baloo. I’ve heard those voices for years. Sometimes I’ve listened too intently but sometimes summoned the inner voice that angrily shouts, enough! I wish much power to your strong inner voice. And for Baloo, time may bring back his strength, but it takes a lot of time. My newf Molly had both knees and one hip replaced in her lifetime and for a long time I walked her by wrapping a towel under and around her, just in front of her hips, holding her like a suitcase to lift and lighten her while she struggled to move. I was devastated until I realized that dog never gave up, she stopped when she couldn’t go any farther, but she never gave up, she’d try again. And slowly, she improved. Baloo’s disease, and those voices, may be strong at times, but I’ve a feeling you both are stronger.

  9. lowercase v on said:

    I hope Baloo is doing well.
    I too have depression, sounds like you have some good coping mechanisms.
    The burka gingerbread woman does look pretty cool.

  10. What a courageous post. Beautifully written & wonderfully shared. I too LOVE the jihad cookie! Happy New Year. May 2013 be filled with love, health, and healing.

  11. Beautiful cookies and doggy! I appreciate the follow on my blog.

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